By Todd Garbarini
If Pretty Maids All in a Row were made today exactly the same way as it was made forty years ago, there would be an enormous outcry against the film’s cavalier attitude towards mentor/student sex. Such scenarios parodied in Roger Vadim’s 1971 film version of Francis Pollini’s novel of the same name are today the stuff of headlines as middle-aged teachers, both male and female, have been caught engaging in extracurricular activities with their young students that go far beyond anything that an educational institution would ever have in mind. To put Pretty Maids All in a Row into proper perspective, it is necessary to understand the era in which the film was shot. The sexual revolution was in full swing, Playboy and Penthouse magazines were enjoying unprecedented success, and Masters and Johnson were studying the sexual mores of many couples. A film about a vice principal/guidance counselor nicknamed “Tiger†bedding underage female students didn’t seem to ruffle too many feathers. Whether one chooses to look at the film as social commentary or the satire its director intended it to be is a matter of personal choice, though given the aloof handling of the murders that ensue it is impossible to regard the film as anything other than black comedy. Aside from this, it also doubles as a time capsule of attitudes and fashions from the early Seventies.
University High School in Los Angeles doubles as the fictitious Oceanfront High School wherein the awkward and impotent Ponce de Leon Harper (the late John David Carson) has difficulty averting his eyes from the female student bodies, and it’s no wonder: just about all the girls are stunning, with not a runt among the litter. Substitute teacher Betty Smith (Angie Dickinson) is also a looker, whose pulchritudinous charms make Ponce grimace and stutter. A trip to the bathroom reveals the presence of a deceased co-ed, a macabre note pinned to her underwear. Under the guidance of Principal Proffer (Roddy McDowall), an investigation ensues headed by Telly Savalas years before he sported a lollipop and a fiery disposition to clean up crime. Here as Captain Sam Surcher (sounds a lot like “search herâ€), his subordinate is Chief John Poldaski (played amusingly by Keenan Wynn), who is so a clueless in investigative techniques he ends up relegated to directing traffic.
Rock Hudson is the star as the aforementioned guidance counselor who goes through women like water. His office wall sports an amusing poster that reads, "Only people can read library books!"; when he gets together with a student for more than a chat, he locks the door and illuminates his “Testing†neon sign above the door. He takes a liking to Ponce who confides his impotence to him, and he persuades Ms. Smith to “help†out Ponce and his condition, and she does so with TLC, all the while as more dead co-eds turn up.
Screenwriter Gene Roddenberry of Star Trek fame no doubt had a hand in casting James Doohan in a bit part as a detective. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, and learning about Rock Hudson’s homosexual lifestyle towards the end of his life makes one appreciate his role all the more so here.
Despite a large pictorial in the April 1971 issue of Playboy, the film was not a box office hit. When one looks at black comedies of late, the one film that seems to be the most inspired by Vadim’s film is 1989’s Heathers. The film also benefits from an upbeat musical score by Lalo Schifrin and it’s amusing to see school and police officials smoking in the offices. One of the pretty maids, June Fairchild, resembles actress Leah Pipes.
The film’s transfer is very good. There are only a handful of scratches that appear throughout the entire film and the image is bright and colorful. Even if the story doesn’t appeal to you, the constant display of eye candy is more than enough to recommend the film.
(Don't miss Todd Garbarini's interview with Angie Dickinson about the movie in the next issue of Cinema Retro - #20)
(This film is available exclusively for purchase through the Warner Archive. Shipments are only for addresses in the United States. Click here to order)