We've intercepted this Top Secret memo that divulges inside information about the recent VIP opening of For Your Eyes Only, the new Ian Fleming exhibition taking place at the Imperial War Museum, London. Read it, then forget you ever saw the memo....
From: Head of R, GCHQ
Subject: Former SMERSH sleeper agent, code-name Deep Sleep Six (Real name: Krassno Granitskiovich. Aliases: Red Grant, Jr., Captain Norwood Nash)
Documentation: E-mail intercept, sent to G, head of SMERSH Veterans’ Association
Greetings Comrade G,
Following instructions, attended opening of special exhibition, ‘For Your Eyes Only: Ian Fleming and James Bond’, at Imperial War Museum, London, 16 April, 2008, having neutralised and taken the place of reporter of nostalgic-revisionist organ ‘Cinema Retro’, using silicone mask provided by Otdyel II. Met at museum (dedicated to past glories of British imperialist war-mongers) by the American, Pfeiffer, and the Briton, Worrall, capitalist running-dogs and editors of aforementioned ‘Cinema Retro’. Enemy failed to penetrate disguise.
Photo copyright Mark Mawston. All rights reserved.
Event began with Bollinger champagne reception (not Dom Pérignon, as favoured by British assassin and enemy of the Russian and former Soviet peoples, James Bond). Speech of welcome given by Air Chief Marshal Sir Peter Squire, GCB, DFC, AFC, DSc, FRAeS, Chairman of the Trustees of the Imperial War Museum. Follow-up speech by the Right Honourable Margaret Hodge, Minister of State for Culture, Media, and Sport. Official opening speech delivered by Miss Honor Blackman, actress responsible for impersonating Pussy Galore, former associate of deceased agent, Auric Goldfinger.
Exhibition dedicated to life of Ian Fleming, fascist hyena and biographer of the killer Bond, on pretext of centenary of birth (see conclusion below). Items of interest include: bourgeois dinner-jacket and bow tie belonging to the author; desk and Remington Remette typewriter from Goldeneye, the author’s colonial-imperialist home in Jamaica; copy of ‘Checklist of Birds of the West Indies’ (1947) by James Bond (a transparent attempt to confuse real-life assassin with local ornithologist); a recipe for scrambled eggs, headed “Scrambled Eggs Never Let You Down” (copy forwarded for deciphering); book entitled ‘Sea Fauna or The Finny Tribe of Golden Eye’, with notes and illustrations by Fleming; and manuscript of propaganda work, ‘Casino Royale’, detailing the regrettable failure of SMERSH operative, Le Chiffre.
Fleming's desk - where James Bond novels came to life. (Photo copyright Mark Mawston. All rights reserved.)
These items followed by various family portraits and mementos, including letters from enemy of the Revolution, Winston Churchill; Christmas stockings large enough to clothe an entire village of peasants; various sporting trophies from Eton, the so-called public school (and breeding ground of reactionary imperialist swine); and various documents pertaining to the class enemy Fleming’s time spent as a “journalist” (a remarkably transparent cover) in Moscow, including a denied request for an interview signed by our late, Great and Glorious Leader, the much-loved Chairman Stalin himself! (Overcome with emotion, I found myself singing the Internationale – until I noticed the American Pfeiffer looking at me suspiciously. Strongly suspect this Pfeiffer may be none other than the Yankee pig-dog Felix Leiter, lackey of the CIA and cohort of Bond.)
The next exhibits are dedicated to the fantasist Fleming’s secret service in the Naval Intelligence Division during the Great Struggle against the forces of National Socialism. These include the coat worn by Fleming during his observation of the Dieppe Raid in 1942, a courier’s passport allowing him passage from Madrid to Gibraltar; various documents pertaining to his work with Rear Admiral Godfrey, the Director of Naval Intelligence, and the clandestine activities of 30 Assault Unit, overseen by Fleming, as well as information on the German V1 and V2 flying bombs, allegedly the forerunners of former Soviet agent Drax’s Moonraker rocket. A manuscript offictional ‘Moonraker’, with original title, ‘Mondays Are Hell’, crossed out and replaced by the words “The Moonraker”, is also displayed.
The post-Struggle section of the exhibition includes a Mercury News map of the world showing the location of various journalists (and spies, as we well know) employed by the Sunday Times newspaper, of which Fleming was the foreign news manager, along with various souvenir items from the author’s effete and luxurious travels for a series of articles (and later book), ‘Thrilling Cities’. This is followed by a most interesting item – a portrait of the killer, Bond, commissioned by Fleming circa 1957, incontestable proof that the assassin known as 007 really exists and was not just a figment of the lap-dog Fleming’s decadent day-dreams (as the British establishment, with inexplicable perversity, would have the masses believe). After all, even a degenerate bourgeois like Fleming would not commission a portrait of a non-existent character! There is also a cup, in the shape of a chamber pot, presented by Fleming to the Old Etonian Golfing Society – a typical example of British public school humour. This is followed by a case containing first editions of Fleming’s glorification of the murderous functionary, Bond, and original art-work for the books by the illustrator, Richard Chopping.
An extensive display of Bond books.(Photo copyright Mark Mawston. All rights reserved.)
Such fantasies give way to a display of artifacts well-known to our organisation (see file marked “James Bond, Angliski Spion”): a Walther PPK (but no Beretta .25, the so-called “ladies’ gun”); a hat with concealed holster; a Minox camera; a camera disguised as a cigarette lighter; a poison-tipped umbrella, as used by our former comrades from Bulgaria; a modified Smith & Wesson .38, as carried in the operation against our former hireling, Dr. Julius No; and a pair of ladies’ shoes with concealed blades (an invention, as you must know, Comrade, of my own dear mother, so cruelly traduced by the arch-fiend Fleming in ‘From Russia With Love’. Lies, all lies!). There are also photographs of our agents, Burgess, Philby, and Maclean (an example of the British love of irony, one assumes), as well as the building at 13 Sretenka Ulitsa in Moscow, incorrectly identified by the jackal Fleming as our headquarters. Lastly, there is a piece of our equipment you will remember well, the camera disguised as a packet of John Player Special cigarettes. (Today, of course, we would have to hide our cameras in ethically-sourced, free-trade bottles of mineral water or risk being denounced by Western health-fascists! How times change, Comrade.)
The last part of the exhibition is devoted to props and designs from the decadent series of films featuring the licensed murderer, Bond. They include prototypes of my mother’s shoes, and an attaché case knife (loaned by the insidious Worrall) from the web of lies and distortion known as ‘From Russia With Love’; set and equipment designs by the German anti-fascist, Sir Ken Adam; the spy-hole clock and tracking devicefrom ‘Goldfinger’; a tow-sled, underwater camera, and spear-gun from ‘Thunderball’; the autogyro, Little Nellie, employed in ‘You Only Live Twice’; and the gun of gold owned by the hired assassin, Scaramanga. In short, many toys and gadgets to blind the masses to the true purpose of this disgusting display of anti-revolutionary nostalgia.
Sir Ken Adam, Oscar-winning production designer. (Photo copyright Mark Mawston. All rights reserved.)
The event was attended by the following, all of whom should be treated as counter-revolutionary subversives and placed under immediate observation: the aforementioned Pfeiffer and Worrall (also present in their capacity as authors of ‘The Essential James Bond’, with said Worrall having acted as consultant to the exhibition); Andrew Lycett, a biographer of Fleming; John Cork, author of ‘The James Bond Legacy’ and ‘Bond Girls Are Forever’; Raymond Benson, who continued the campaign of disinformation begun by Fleming with a further eight “novels” about Bond; Ajay Chowdhury, the mastermind behind ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’, a magazine devoted to the glorification of Bond; and Peter Janson Smith, former (civilian) agent of Fleming and board member ofthe sinister network known as The Ian Fleming Foundation.
(Photo copyright Mark Mawston. All rights reserved.)
Also observed in attendance were: Cmdr. Ken Wallis (Retd.), who designed and flew the Little Nellie autogyro; the actor, Julian Glover (‘For Your Eyes Only’) and his wife, Isla Blair; actress Valerie Leon (‘The Spy Who Loved Me’, ‘Never Say Never Again’); author Matthew Field; director Tim Burton; Ian Hislop, editor of Private Eye; and comedian Frank Skinner. There was also an unconfirmed sighting of author Robert Harris. It may also be assumed that Ben Macintyre, who has written a book to accompany the exhibition (‘For Your Eyes Only: Ian Fleming + James Bond’, Bloomsbury, £20.00) was present, unless, of course, he’d been kidnapped by renegade elements of the Spangled Mob. Of the assassin Bond, there was no sign.
Director Tim Burton chats with Cinema Retro columnist and James Bond novelist Raymond Benson. (Photo: Raymond Benson)
Conclusion: Agent believes true purpose of exhibition is denigration of the glorious struggle of the Russian and former Soviet peoples, and by extension the current regime of former comrade and KGB chief, Putin. Agent believes konspiratsia to have been directly authorised by British Prime Minister Brown , who recently admitted enjoying the books of crypto-fascists Fleming and Kingsley Amis. The involvement of British Intelligence can be taken as read.
Deep Sleep Six
ADMIRERS OF THE CAPITALIST DOG AGENT 007 AND HIS LITERARY FATHER IAN FLEMING, CAN OBTAIN MORE TOP SECRET INFORMATION ABOUT THE EXHIBITION BY CLICKING HERE. IF WE TOLD YOU ANY MORE, WE'D HAVE TO "LIQUIDATE" YOU...