BY JOHN M. WHALEN 

There are many ways to approach reviewing a movie like “Crazy Six.” You could join all the disgusted and angry user reviews on IMDb and call it the worst freaking movie you’ve ever seen. It’s got an incoherent script, if there was any at all. The art nouveau cinematography only further distracts from any sense the story might have made. There’s no continuity, with scenes following each other without any narrative logic and actors all seeming confused and dazed (as opposed to dazed and confused), standing around on the set as if they weren’t sure where to stand, and even less certain what their dialogue was.

Or you could discuss the career of the film’s director, Albert Pyun, a B-movie director who has been called today’s Ed Wood, and who is most famous for using the sets and costumes from a Spiderman movie that never got made and a canceled “Masters of the Universe” movie, to cobble together the hit sci-fi film “Cyborg,” (1989) which made Jean Claude Van Damme a superstar. He is considered in some circles a creative, edgy director with films like “The Sword and the Sorcerer” (1982), and “Radioactive Dreams” (1985). He also directed a pretty decent “Captain America” (1990), with Matt Salinger, J.D.s kid. (BTW where are all those books J.D wrote but were never published?) But Pyun eventually wound up as one of those guys making movies for the direct-to-video market. By 1997, he was directing schlock like “Crazy Six.”

Another way to review “Crazy Six” would be to focus on the cast. With names like T, Lowe, van Peebles, and Reynolds appearing on the poster for the film, you might expect one or two good performances, at least. Unfortunately, the actors look as though they were shipped out to Prague or wherever in Eastern Europe this was filmed, and shoved off the bus onto the grimy streets of “Crimeland,” (which is what the written out prologue calls the place at the start of the movie), looking like they just escaped from a way-off Broadway production of Pirandello’s Four Characters in Search of a Better Agent.

After the fall of communism, the prologue explains, rival gangs took over this part of Eastern Europe now known as “Crimeland.” Ice-T is the head of one of the gangs, Mario is head of another, and Rob Lowe another (although his character is stoned out of his mind most of the film.) By the way, Lowe’s character is called “Crazy Six,” he says, because he was the sixth child in his family and he’s, well, nuts, I guess. Crazy has a sexy blonde girlfriend (Ivana Milicivic), who sings in a nightclub and, I swear, every shot she’s in, all through the picture, she’s smoking a cigarette. There are literally dozens of close ups of her sucking on a ciggie, smoke lit up dramatically all around her, as if they were shooting a bootleg Marlboro commercial. It’s the first movie that ever made me feel like I was having an asthma attack.

Van Peebles plays Dirty Mao. He and his gang all wear wide-brimmed black fedoras and black suits. Dirty Mao carries a Chihuahua, and talks with a fake French accent. Ice T is Raul, a Spanish gangster, who has little dialogue. Maybe T didn’t want to fake a Spanish accent. He mostly stands leaning against walls, with a really pissed off (more than usual) look on his face, as though he’s contemplating walking off the set any second.

The local Crimeland police are at a loss battling these laughable crime lords, but lucky for them they have the help of an expatriate American detective on the force named Dakota, played by Burt Reynolds, wearing what looks like the same cowboy hat he wore in “Hooper,” along with a trench coat. While Van Peebles and Ice-T seemed to have no clue that they were actually in a movie, and Lowe played a character stoned on drugs in every scene, only Reynolds actually attempts to play a character. Of course, he’s playing himself, as he always did, but he at least gets some laughs out of it. At the end of the film he ends up with Dirty Mao’s Chihuahua. Somebody asks him whose dog is that? He says. “Meet my new partner, Killer.”

Actually, there really is no way to review “Crazy Six,” because there’s nothing there to review. This movie is strictly for Pyun fans who want a complete collection of his work, or fans of Burt Reynold, for the same reason. While everybody looks miserable in “Crazy Six”— and it certainly is without a doubt the nadir of Reynolds’ career— don’t feel too bad for him. He probably got a good check and a trip to Europe out of it. Hollywood. It’s a tough town. Everything’s a gamble and you never know when you’ll hit the jackpot. The same year he made this turkey, he made “Boogie Nights,” and found his career suddenly revived.

“Crazy Six” has been released on Blu-ray by the MVD Marquis Collection. Picture and sound are excellent. A 2.40:1 aspect ratio was used and the sound is PCM Stereo. The only extras are some trailers for other MVD releases. Unless you’re a masochist, or a true Burt Reynolds fan, don’t waste your money. Maybe it’ll show up on cable.

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John M. Whalen is the author of "Tragon of Ramura". Click here to order from Amazon.